“I am a world that cannot be explored in one day.” – Caitlyn Siehl
this quote is half full, the rest goes, “I am not a place for cowards.” while i appreciate it in its fullness, it’s broken up to capture my current state of mind. starting this blog felt right, a little tricky, but writing felt right. the thought of having a public space to express myself intimidated me. claiming power, stepping in to a light, telling a truth, all these things can often feel daunting. these things, the ones that give us anxiety or have us in our nerves, are the things that liberate us.
we rush to know ourselves, eager for what our end looks like that we don’t appreciate the journey.
it’s been three years since i wrote something for myself. i would spend some time creating content here and there, but nothing i knew i would keep. as we journey, our experiences map our interactions, they map how we see ourselves in different settings. loss is an experience that made me protect my privacy. vulnerability, healing my wounds openly, had no room in the box i carefully weaved myself in to. it was perception that prevented openness. it kept me bound in a delicate shell.
but loss doesn’t really ever go away. a couple more experiences of loss made me realise my “coping” mechanisms was in fact fear and just me subconsciously running from my pain, shielding it as privacy. so i had to learn to unfold. to own every experience. to not be afraid to share them. one way to find the light is to accept there is darkness. by embracing darkness, you find a light. when you appreciate its magic, you spread it unapologetically.