we aren’t always in control. everything happens in it’s own time. what we can do is our best, and let the chips fall where they may. sometimes we just have to give life a little room to do what it does best. the thing is, accepting this is usually harder than it sounds. when we’re older there are so many expectations. first from society, often from our family, sometimes our friends and mostly ourselves. we design our twenties as self-discovery. this is mostly when we find time to travel, fall in and out of love
a couple of times, choose what diets we like or don’t, develop great friendships and shop online. we are powerful creators in life, but we’re not in it alone. there are additional forces at play, and for the most part, to our benefit.
it’s my quarter life and i’ve only just gained confidence. cheers to that. but quarter life and i’ve only just begun piecing together what i’d like the rest of my life to look like. it feels dangerous, because it might be late by a certain expectation. when i first thought it was late, i settled for having a baby and hoping my little one would inspire greatness. children do have a way of doing that. this hasn’t happened and it’ll be taking a little more time to, so i settled for being a stay at home daughter. this became mind numbing with having to forfeit control of decision making. as indecisive as I can be sometimes, i figure i’d much rather be in control.
so with every day, i’m pretending to be normal. which i do by reminding myself that everything in its own time. my mind has visualised the perfect career. if it weren’t for the universe scamming me repeatedly, i would have it. i won’t shy away from admitting that I may not have used my resources to their full capabilities, and this (being stuck) is the universes way of repaying me. but perhaps that wasn’t my time to be great, and this is.
i’m not where I thought I would be, financially, socially, professionally, creatively, or romantically. professionally, looking for a job in itself is a job. a mundane one. you’re writing and re-writing cover letters, editing your CV to fit job requirements, crossing your fingers and limiting how frustrated you get with the lack of response from almost all HR departments. i’ve been watching Greys Anatomy from season 1, and its convinced me the only people who mean it when they say “we will keep your CV on file and will let you know…” are the ABC producers and HR team. If you watch Greys you’ll know what I’m referring to. no one else means this.
i figure i’m experiencing my very own quarter life crisis. my first sign was detachment from everything around me. it’s unnerving explaining why i haven’t reached a certain stability yet. next was isolation. i’ve never craved isolation as much as i do lately. i don’t feel that i’ve failed, i feel trapped. i want options, i identify with the idea of choice. despite patience and persistence, my visions have not manifested. i have questions.
every one has tried telling me what to do, and it’s not that i hate it. i just find it challenging. some people will figure it out when they’re 22. i have friends that did. i also have friends that are 29 and haven’t quite reached there yet. life doesn’t run on the timelines we’ve set for ourselves.
it’s an honour to find myself lost in my mind. it’s a sign i haven’t given up. it’s a process of letting go and living in the present, trusting the noise, not deceiving time. while time works itself out, i’ll be joyfully laughing at anyone or anything that says no. every thing will happen in its time and not a minute sooner.