i didn’t manage to post something last week. unfortunately, my emotions were out of my control. i did toy with the idea of writing a sort of make up post over the weekend to account for it, but never managed to get ’round to that. i figured it was okay to take time out to rest, recuperate and begin again. other than this, i’ve been a little busy designing what i would like my life to look like by the time i’m 30. surely by 30 i should have reached a glorified standard of adulting right? with our 20’s being the proposed self-discovery years, the time we take to make mistakes, regret them, try new things, regret those, 30 must bring in something more grounded. ideally, 30 should be new.
life can be a little confusing and especially overwhelming. i often laugh with a friend of mine about this, referring to my life as “a roller coaster that only goes up”. still, with the lows, the highs and mostly the confusion, it’s easier to move on autopilot, letting whatever happens happen and not exercise any control. this is why childhood is a cheat code. during childhood we spend time around adults who “know” us. they’re the ones who tell us what we like, what we don’t, what we should, and of course what we shouldn’t. suddenly we’re “adults”. birthday messages have “adult” undertones. no one is really telling us who we are anymore, they’re waiting for us to tell them, they keep asking what we plan to do with life, how we’re spending our days, what our goals and passions are and just like that, out of nowhere adulting has fallen on to our laps.
it can be quite the involuntary process that you don’t remember choosing. but now that its this thing that’s happened, accompanied by a heavy set of “responsibilities” you’re forced to participate. i rarely say this but i hate responsibility. it’s unacceptable but it’s true, i hate it and i do my best to avoid it. i’m also reluctant to make decisions. i find that being accountable for them is kinda daunting. so what do i do? i switch to autopilot, float through it and make it up as i go along. this changed halfway through the year. by realising how real life actually is, i decided it was time to willingly participate. i found myself ready. i can’t explain it, but one morning i thought to myself, there’s something about you, an element of magic you haven’t tapped in to yet, something you’re supposed to achieve and you need to focus on it. you simply can’t waste any more time. so first thing i do is talk to my pastor who encourages me to read 1 Corinthians 13 verse 11, which says, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” so then I ask myself, well am i still a child?
after my decision to become a willing participant, first thing i accept is how crucial it is to take charge of life. this refers to anything from deciding how to spend each day to living in purpose. so while i’m visualising life at 30, i figure there’s no time like the present. a friend of mine always says, “none of this will matter in 5 years” and every time i hear that i’m comforted. i’ve detached from that comfort. if not now then when? adulting can seem like its just about what job you’re working, paying taxes and all the really boring stuff but there’s a fun element of self to it. if my plan is to be grounded at 30, grounded in who i am, i need to believe in the beauty of my dreams right now and not rely on anyone else to write that story for me. we have people, because we need people but we’re mostly in this alone.
while being an adult isn’t always intentional, when we accept that we are adults we do have to be intentional about how we spend our time or impact the life we visualise. we have to ask the hard questions. when was the last time i felt successful? what do i look forward to? we have to be fearless, stay in truth, be open to unlearning and relearning. read a bit about that here . part of the beauty of this, is that we can never truly map out how things will actually turn out. 5 years from now we’ll be screaming, “but this wasn’t the plan!” but what’s in our control are the habits we develop to lead us forward. perhaps we’ll be changing direction frequently. we’re allowed to change our minds and so what if we have a new plan? this is how we find our true self. when we let go of all the definitions of who people think we should be in our childhood and accept who we are as adults.