I remember sitting on the plane, an hour away from landing in Dubai, thinking “what have I done?” When I met him the familiarity had me sure it was him. He’d be the one. I’m an hour away from him, now there’s no turning back, no other route or escape. “What am I doing?” With my back pressed into my seat, my mind wanders off. I didn’t know then, he’d be the greatest leap I took in 2016.
Have you noticed when you’re feeling anxious about something time moves quicker than usual? The plane stops moving. All of a sudden I’m walking off, heading through immigration, no queue in sight. The butterflies in my stomach don’t just feel like they’re flying, it feels like they’re doing back flips, cartwheels and jumping up and down on a trampoline. What’s happening inside me is chaotic.
My bag is waiting for me on the carousel. I stop for a second. There’s nothing around to buy me any more time. I still need to get myself together. The butterflies have my nerves on edge. Despite the chaos within me, my legs keep moving. It helps that he’s texting me, making me laugh, urging me to run. He wants to hear me panting or see me sweating when I cross over to his side. Some sort of proof I was excited to get out of there. I didn’t run, but my legs quickly pushed me past each moment, ready to experience something new, something different, what felt easy.
I just took the trip again, on a different adventure. It was déjà vu. I felt it all over again. I went back in time, looking out my window. My body took me through the experience as if I was living it for the first time. I felt the butterflies, the uncertainty, the anxiety, the excitement all bundled up in one. It’s not the same adventure, but I suppose I wanted it to be. I wanted to experience rushing through each step to cross over to other side, to be greeted by the tall glass of chocolate milk that met me once before.